


Shut Up and Remember

by orphan_account



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Boring?, But todae all the way, Crosspoted from aff, DaeTop, M/M, TODae - Freeform, TopSung, brief mentions of other members, idk what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-11 23:43:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9043784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Seunghyun is a pouring rain but Daesung is already drowning. Seunghyun is tired of pretending and Daesung is tired of avoiding.Soon, they will have to talk about it.[daengel;LosingInterest2016]





	1. The Forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sucks at summary, forgive me. I decided to repost this because I marked it as invitation only on aff, just in case someone wants to read it again :)

Choi Seunghyun never fails to make his way to swoon his fans. Be it by his piercing gaze, charming smiles, smirks, his deep dark voice, his rap, many things about him enticing their fans and more often people he passed by. He himself finds it funny, seeing people trying to avoid his stare, yet trying to get his attention at the same time, or how he could make the waiter on Seungri’s favorite restaurant blushed by just simply, well, ordering food. Choi Seunghyun can easily make his way to your heart by anything he does.

And Choi Seunghyun, to no avail, always finds a way to make his favorite dongsaeng falling deeper for him.

***

If Daesung ever be honest to himself, he will admit that it was the touch _–touches-_ that he misses so much.

Back then, Seunghyun would jump onto his back, demanding a piggyback whenever he wanted. Back then, Daesung would try his best not to grin stupidly when Seunghyun got too close for his comfort. Back then, Daesung would say to anyone listening that he is tired of babysitting TOP. Back then, Daesung would pretend he didn’t miss the warmth of Seunghyun’s hand as soon as it left him after they bowed to their fans on stage.

Back then, Daesung would wish everyday for his feeling to stop growing inside, rooting in his heart, and blossoming whenever Seunghyun came with his steamed mug of coffee and tea for the singer because it was all too wrong for him, to pry away the easier future for them both.

Back then, Daesung would tell Seunghyun that it’s okay to cry because that’s all Daesung did when the lights went off and the blanket all over his body.

***

Youngbae tries not to say anything but Jiyong isn’t known for his silence, for the sake that he is their leader-nim.

“Something goes off. What is that?”

Seunghyun shrugs and continues whatever God knows he is doing with his phone.

Jiyong makes face and Youngbae nudges him, signaling that maybe it isn’t the right time _yet_ , but Jiyong had been patient enough to not saying anything more than making weird and devious plan in his head and he had had enough of this whatever happened between his members.

“What is it, Seunghyun?”

Because Jiyong is all friend with Seunghyun even before them two were in BIGBANG and he knows, or at least patient enough, not to pry the answer from the fast asleep Daesung.

Seunghyun makes a move, taking his eyes off of his phone screen and staring into his bandmate’s eyes. Seungri is watching from the window seat beside Daesung, _just in case._

“I don’t know, Ji.”

Jiyong looks like he is going to burst with both anger and frustration but the stewardess passes by to tell them that they almost reach the destination and throws a shy smile at the maknae who gives his best smirk in return. Jiyong snickers at his action because Seungri is a playboy and Jiyong is his leader and it’s just the way the two always pays attention to each other.

Seunghyun puts his mask on and Daesung pretends to sleep away his own heart breaking.

***

“You’re awake.”

It comes as statement rather than question and Daesung doubt it was ever a question at all. So, instead of anything, he glances at Youngbae’s direction and smiles.

“I can’t sleep.”

Youngbae isn’t known as someone who would push through the wall of privacy and Daesung knows this too much that he closes his eyes  and let his bandmate study his face.

“Is it about _him_?”

Daesung wishes it is. That it’s about his smoking habit, his mischievous side, his childish one, his too low voice, his strong glare but it isn’t and he know it will never be.

“No, it’s about _me_.”

For seconds, Youngbae seems like he will say something, but he doesn’t and make an excuse to go outside their shared bedroom instead, so Daesung could _break_ in the safest place he knows for years.

***

“Oh, you’re here.”

Seungri puts down his bottle down, half empty, and waves his hand at his bandmate.

Not that Daesung minds seeing him working out in the same place because it’s YG building anyway and he owns his voice and not the place but sometimes Daesung wishes he would be alone without anyone seeing him crumbling in every step and pace because Daesung wants so bad to run away.

“Don’t work out too hard, I need to make our fans paying attention to my body too,” Seungri chuckles. He flexes his muscle and he forgets the honorifics again because none of the big hyungs around.

“They _do_ look at you, maknae,” Daesung fishes for his towel, setting his bag down beside the treadmill. “Why aren’t you with Jiyong-hyung, annoy him enough to make Yang Sajang-nim scold us later?”

Seungri juts his tongue out and focusing on his reflection in the mirror because Seungri is mentally just not much better than Seunghyun. “I can catch some _chicks_ for you, if you want.”

Daesung laughs, it echoes through the empty gym and it’s rich and deep as usual. “No, thanks, catch some for yourself, maknae, and stay away from troubles.”

Seungri smirks and prepares to leave because he _indeed_ has meeting appointment with some people and he is satisfied enough with his looks for now. “See you later, hyung.”

Daesung nods and puts his IPod on the floor then setting up the treadmill, taking steps slowly and faster by seconds ticking, pretending that he is finally free from himself while _Blue_ reaches every corner of the room and to Daesung’s dying heart.

To the night that Daesung doesn’t – _can’t_ remember that was filled with everything Daesung ever wished for in secrecy, of _Choi Seunghyun and sex_.


	2. If You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn’t remember mostly anything but the drunk jealousy in the pit of his stomach at something he couldn’t recall. Nor that he ever asked anyone else about that because Daesung was sure he wanted to forget more than anything.

Daesung doesn’t remember how it was all started. It was one of night of parties and wines when he didn’t have to feel celebrity and humble. He doesn’t remember what was the cause. He doesn’t remember mostly anything but the drunk jealousy in the pit of his stomach at something he couldn’t recall. Nor that he ever asked anyone else about that because Daesung was sure he _wanted_ to forget more than anything.

If there’s anything he can vividly remember from that night is when he realized he was on soft cushion that belongs to Seunghyun and the latter was already halfway _inside_ him and it had hurting and comforting him in a way he couldn’t say how. He can remember as if it just happened yesterday, _as if it happens everyday_ , though in fact, it was a month ago. He can replay the way Seunghyun’s eyes, his most favorite of all, bore into his and through his drunk state he knew Seunghyun wasn’t drunk at all. He had wished he could remember the sex but he couldn’t, he still can’t. The memory is just as blurry and the next morning they had agreed silently to make it something that _never happened_.

Neither of them ever mentioned about it again and for days they had been awkward and tried to avoid each other, but then Seungri got worried and everything about Seungri’s worry made Jiyong went crazy so he had to call all five of them for secret BIGBANG meeting and put his best leader voice and face to ask if there’s anybody keeping secret behind his back. Seunghyun had gone wide eyes but Daesung had smiled and told their bandmates he was worried over their next album that he and the oldest had a little quarrel about who would do the rap. Seunghyun laughed along with him and had told Jiyong it was nothing, that they all were stressed for the comeback and once MADE is out, it would be all concerts and singing again.

Seungri shrugged and acted like he was embarrassed by the way his hyungs had gone nervous about the comeback. Youngbae said nothing but he had eyed Daesung and his glance took a little more time than ordinary, but he never spoke any of it and Jiyong let go too. They’re bandmates after all and beyond those contracts and coordi noonas, there was _–is_  bond that Daesung knew he would never ever dare to break apart.

***

_I’m standing alone at the edge of a cliff –I’m going home_

_***_

Loser is Daesung’s favorite and he likes Sober too because he gets to play drums and everyone had been teasing him about playing it naked and Daesung likes it because it’s relieving his stress away.

He likes Bae Bae’s mature concept and laughs along with Jiyong at Seungri’s pouting lips because Daesung got all the ladies for himself for BANG BANG BANG.

Daesung likes Zutter too because it’s GTOP and he can watch them on stage without him having to prepare for his own lines or dance moves.

Daesung had fun while making the MV of Let’s Not Fall In Love and the girl he got paired with had enticing him with jokes and he laughed and the director said it had looked good but when is he alone he will play If You mostly because Daesung feels like love is leaving even when he is so damn sure that he was never had a grip on it and it still does hurt a lot when he hears Seunghyun’s lines and voice because Daesung sees love getting farther away and he remembers the old times.

***

_If you if you_

_If you’re struggling like I am can we make things a little easier?_

***

The nightmares of losing his voice had been haunting Daesung ever since the doctor told him about that but he had live through it every single day and it’s getting calmer if not better. Usually it’s something about him standing on stage and the lights got so bright and the crowd got so loud and Daesung’s throat spills nothing but silence. More too often he would be startled awoken from it with his bangs stick on his forehead and he would need one or two bottles of water because he is never a big fan of getting drunk in the middle of the night or whatever the time is. Then he would pray for he never lose his confidence at least to put up his smile for anyone to see that Daesung is not afraid of not being able to singing anymore. And as soon as the day breaks and the schedules fill in, Daesung would be Daesung and he would sing trot and everything else or just laughing too loud like he hadn’t had nightmares about him seeing Seunghyun standing a feet away from him and turning into tiny rivulets because Daesung had no sound to shout about how much he wanted him _to stay_.


	3. The Struggle of Being Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Youngbae shouts about something like takeout and Seungri claps his hands happily but all Seunghyun can concentrate about is the way Daesung’s shirt is too tight and the scent of sex lingering in the air that night.

Seunghyun is learning some Japanese phrase because Seungri had teased him about it and Daesung had too but it was way back then when things weren’t awkward between them. Jiyong hums to Loser, is watching Youngbae practicing his lines for the song or mostly the dance moves. Daesung sneaks his way to the corner and sits quietly, mentally correcting some Japanese phrases Seunghyun speaks when something beside him rings out loud and the tall rapper rushes out to his side, slightly embarrassing because his ringtone is Look At Me, Gwisoon and Daesung finds himself unable to hold his pride to not to snicker and proud about it.

“You like that song _that_ much, hyung?”

Sometimes Daesung forgets how easy for himself to be drowned in Seunghyun’s basically everything and the man laughs and sits beside him like they were never had a night together tangled in hot breathes and messy sheets.

_Sometimes Daesung forgets how easy for himself to be drowned in Seunghyun’s everything and not mind about it at all like he is supposed to be._

***

Something about Seunghyun that nobody can resist is his childlike behavior that appears mostly when he is around people he feels comfortable with and it means his family, bandmates, the coordi noonas, the staff, the dancers that have already been with him throughout the years and unlike his fans, would be groaning or making excuses to not taking care of a big baby Seunghyun all the time.

Seungri rolls his eyes at his hyung when the man _again_ taking his own pictures. “Seriously Seunghyun hyung, stop feeling so handsome!”

The older of the two juts his bottom lip out and proceeds to take another selca when Jiyong chimes in with Youngbae. Seungri stands and pranches his way to them, mostly just trying to get farther and away from taking care of TOP.

“What are you two doing?” Jiyong sets aside his leather jacket and sits with thud on Seunghyun’s newest chair –or whatever it is –with pink shades and a little bit of purple on the side.

“Seunghyun hyung is being himself and I’m hungry,” Seungri’s voice comes from the kitchen and Seunghyun silently laughs inside because all he got in this house is wine and lots of it.

“Aw, poor maknae,” Daesung closes the door and Seunghyun lets himself to be brave for almost half of a minute to follow Daesung’s movements before the latter catches his eyes with his tiny ones and everything crumbles apart once again.

Seunghyun grins at him and Daesung’s mouth breaks a smile that neither was real or acceptable but a mask.

Youngbae shouts about something like takeout and Seungri claps his hands happily but all Seunghyun can concentrate about is the way Daesung’s shirt is too tight and the scent of sex lingering in the air that night.

***

Jiyong can easily recall the day when his marijuana scandal broke down and Daesung’s car accident had made him very much thinking about the end of everything and it was the right time to fall apart but apparently they didn’t. Jiyong never told Daesung and sometimes he wish he did, for Daesung’s sake, that nobody is that strong and if Daesung had written a song about it, it would surely be a huge hit and all fame. Jiyong sees the same way Daesung’s eyes go dull everytime Seunghyun is around now, and Jiyong wonders in his head if this time he shall tell Daesung to really write about it because love is eating his dongsaeng inside and it’s nothing like happiness. Jiyong sighs to nobody and rests his head on his pillow and he can also easily recall things from practice today about Seunghyun’s acting weird when Daesung had smiled too bright at the new noona Seungri is friend with.

***

The practices and fights becoming intense because the due date for their comeback is getting near and it had brought Seunghyun back to his mom’s house both for her food and his childhood protection. He stares at his own reflection in the mirror and sees someone who is trying to fill the hole inside a heart that’s already way much beyond repair. The warm shower he just finished caused the mirror to be a little fogged, Seunghyun tries hard and harder to ignore the grown pain in his chest everytime he looks at Daesung and the younger man flinches away.

_Because Seunghyun is in love and heartbroken and doesn’t want to give up just yet._

***

Daesung is drowning once again and tonight it’s wine and meat and Bom. It’s not that they’re that close but Bom had visited YG and they met in the elevator and she asked him for barbecue and stuff and Daesung said yes.

“You look terrible, Daesung..”

Bom carefully says it because the said man is already halfway too drunk as he is stabbing his fork on the meat.

“I feel terrible.”

Bom doesn’t really know what to do with Daesung who doesn’t smile or throwing jokes around, nobody really does. As much as she wants to help him, she doubts he will feel better the next morning, getting drunk and letting himself be seen in miserable state by anyone.

“Noona, I think I’m stupid.”

Bom doesn’t think Daesung is stupid but she is not gonna say anything because Daesung starts to hiccup and cry so she picks up her phone and dials.

***

Seunghyun misses the warmth that radiates off Daesung whenever he is near and smiling and everything because everything about Daesung is Seunghyun’s dream –or too often, wet dream –and Seunghyun can’t and doesn’t regret everything that happened that night no matter how hard he tries to. Seunghyun shifts on his bed and missing and missing and missing all about Daesung until it’s a little too much and he falls asleep. Seunghyun misses a call from Bom and dreams a very strange dream about him being himself and Daesung is as tiny as his thumb and the younger looked up at him with tiny eyes and through curtain of tears.


	4. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After all, everything Daesung tries to forget is everything he remembers and he never manages to get Seunghyun away from his head despite a month of awkwardness and maybe years of wet dreams and fantasies about his hyung, before it happened for real and set them apart instead of being closer to each other.

The only way for Daesung to remember at least a part of _that night_ is to run his hand over and over his neck because that one morning when he left Seunghyun’s place along with all his pride and dignity that threatens to fall apart in any second, the purple bruise on his collarbone had stayed long enough for him to see that again the night the day after and some more days had followed. Despite that he had swear to himself to forget it, Daesung is not letting away the memory

***

If Seunghyun had been a good person, or maybe a great person, he would _not_ answer the call after the nth rings and let Bom call Youngbae or even Jiyong and not being involved in anything about Daesung anymore because he had witnessed a guilt or something more like silent plea to never get closer by an inch anymore, but being a man in love he was – _he still is_ , he had agreed to pick Daesung up and carried his dongsaeng to his home and let the younger man sleeps on his bed as he watches the night sky turns yellow.

***

What surprised Daesung isn’t that he wakes up on his hyung’s bed and his head spins like crazy as hangover takes him, but mostly the way Seunghyun looks at him like he doesn’t mind much seeing Daesung drags himself to the bathroom and throws up. Like it doesn’t matter at all seeing Daesung sniffs and mumbles apology for being irresponsible and drunk.

Like it doesn’t matter at all for Seunghyun to see Daesung in his house, on his bed, staring at him.

Because Daesung doesn’t really know what’s matter for Seunghyun and he had wished it’s him.

***

Seunghyun smiles over the quiet thank you Daesung mutters upon the food he had ordered for them both.

“Feel better?”

“Yeah,” Daesung lifts his eyes to meet his hyung’s but the dark orbs causes him to spin in his head –and mostly his heart –so Daesung pretends that he is interested on something on the table that’s not Seunghyun at all.

After all, everything Daesung tries to forget is everything he remembers and he never manages to get Seunghyun away from his head despite a month of awkwardness and maybe years of wet dreams and fantasies about his hyung, before _it_ happened for real and set them apart instead of being closer to each other.

But Daesung is Daesung so he picks a joke about food and Seunghyun laughs and soon everything feels slightly normal and okay though it’s not.

***

They had finished the meal and it was alright and fake and heartbreaking but Daesung didn’t avoid his eyes and Seunghyun could made himself through it.

Still, Seunghyun can’t ignore the way his feet trail closer behind the younger man as they make their way to the front door of Seunghyun’s place because eventhough it’s raining hard outside, the thunder in Seunghyun’s ears is louder than anything.

And he swears, he didn’t mean to, he doesn’t mean to grab Daesung’s wrist, turning the shorter man facing him and trapping the singer in between himself and the wall.

“Kang Daesung.”

Daesung yelps and his face turns pale, his hand gives up the shoe he is holding and it falls on the floor like Seunghyun’s heart, falling and falling for Daesung.

This, Seunghyun thinks, is _falling apart_.

Because Daesung’s eyes are unreadable but he is waiting for Seunghyun to say something –to do something –this time, Daesung is not running away.

“I’m sorry.”

Seunghyun doesn’t mean to be sorry because he is not at all for having sex with his bandmate he had loved and he still does very much love until now but he is tired of pretending it was nothing at all, when it’s everything.

Daesung shakes his head and smiles. “It’s alright, I’m sorry too, hyung.”

Seunghyun sighs and gives up, leaning closer to the man before him and rests his forehead on his shoulder, Daesung goes stiff.

“It wasn’t alright for me, Daesung. Nothing is alright at all. I can’t lose you. Don’t go, don’t avoid me anymore.”

“Hyung-“

“I Love you, Daesung.”

And everything inside Daesung spins and blurry, his brain refuses to function all at once and Daesung can only hold to Seunghyun’s body against him, desperately because if not it will all again crumble and Daesung can’t take anymore nights of breaking apart and wondering and forgetting. His throat feels dry of all sudden but it’s not kind of nightmare and Daesung suddenly feels not stupid at all for being in love and heartbroken because apparently his hyung had gone through the same state and they made it this far and all.

“I love you too, hyung.”

Seunghyun had expected himself to ask Daesung in silence and more comfortable position to talk about the night they had spent together, to have _discussion_ about it and more sentences and maybe reassurance about their feelings about each other.

Seunghyun is tired of pretending and Daesung is tired of avoiding so instead of words, it comes out as kisses and touches and they make their way back to Seunghyun’s bedroom.

***

Daesung doesn’t have time to breathe or think between kisses and he doesn’t want to anyway because Seunghyun is in his arms and nothing else matter at least for now as the taller man presses them closer if possible and Daesung is burning alive with desire, lust, and love. Seunghyun is not much in different state because he is drinking from Daesung’s bowl of heart and it’s never enough but his dongsaeng always gives more. Seunghyun’s hands ghost over Daesung’s skin, tracing his way to oblivion as the younger rewarding him with cries and moans that sets everything inside Seunghyun into fireworks that explodes in a beautiful way Seunghyun had never imagine it to be. Daesung sets his eyes on him and it’s all Seunghyun ever need to slide his way home, this time, neither of them is drunk and Daesung remembers and remembers until his head gets dizzy and spinning and the pain jolts him to scream but Seunghyun’s kisses are sweet and humble. Daesung’s hips meet Seunghyun’s thrusts as everything falls in the right place and time is ticking again –for them _both_ finally.

***

Seunghyun doesn’t know how to bask in afterglow so does Daesung but they stay close and tangled. Seunghyun’s fingers run through Daesung’s hair while Daesung’s on Seunghyun’s back, stroking.

“I don’t know what to do,” Seunghyun says after a while, Daesung starts to doze off.

“Me too, hyung.”

Daesung doesn’t know what to do, or more likely what’s going to happen. Their schedules are going to be packed and on stage ToDae is alright so Daesung doesn’t mind much and seeks more warmth from Seunghyun, cuddling closer. Seunghyun smiles and pulls him closer and inside his heart.

***

Daesung wakes up in Seunghyun’s arms and he knows in every breath that soon, they will have a talk about it, will decide about what to do, how to do, and maybe slowly, Daesung will remember about that one night just as much as he remembers about last night.

Seunghyun’s breaths tickle him because the rapper snuggles closer to him and mumbles something in his sleep with his lips against Daesung’s neck.

Daesung lets out a breath and thinks he can wait for the talk later, much later, but for now, he will just listen to Seunghyun’s steady rhythm of heartbeat against his.


End file.
